Here goes... try not to chuckle or roll your eyes, one reason I hate poems is the sappiness...
I push the hair of my loved one,
my lover,
off my face.
I sit up and take a breath in the
dark.
I smell him, our oneness.
I sigh, and leave our brief nest,
wishing to prolong
our contact.
I'm kind of rolling my own eyes, but I'm kinda proud of it too. It is apt.
I too have a hard time with poetry. I think it can be a really personal thing. I also find that often I generate all of these ideas while I'm laying in bed or somewhere entirely inconvenient so good for you for getting it down on paper. You can really tell how your feeling in this poem, descriptive yet vague where many people could probably relate.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned avoiding poetry, but great job writing in that genre! I think there is a lot of unspoken emotion in between the lines of your poem. Is there anything to add to it in the middle before you "leave the nest"?
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great writing your poetry. The feelings of dread of getting out of bed is felt and leaving your love one. Keep up the great work. The written lines work with what you are trying to convey to everyone...sappiness and all.
ReplyDeleteDebbie,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all you are becoming a writer. Donald Graves says that when we begin to see stories all around us and we have to write them down, writing has become a part of us.
Some poems are sappy. Some poems aren't. Kids and adults still like them so they are here to stay.
I visualize everything you are saying but want more. It is obvious that you both are very close together and sleeping because his hair is on you. So maybe slow this down and describe where your bodies or arms/legs are in all of this.
When you sit up--slow this down too. How do the covers move or how does your body move. Does this make sense? Try to add these details.
Probably my favorite word is "nest" describing your area in the bed. Maybe add why you are getting up. The last phrases are the best.
You have a good thing going Debbie. Keep reading aloud and playing or adding words. Share with a close friend if you are comfortable to gain feedback too. All the best, deanna