Debbie, You hooked me into your writing as soon as you started telling me about your sons and the traditions your family has. I enjoy reading family stories.
I really like how you ended the story by stating what you've learned from the experience. I can relate to this and it makes me smile how our kids really do listen to what we say and then apply it in situations like this!
I wonder if it would be helpful to expand on how your son felt when this happened. How did he feel when you went on the date to Borders? I wonder if his thoughts were gradually going into panic mode or if he just suddenly made the connection between your saying and the situation.
Thank you so much for sharing, I truly enjoyed this story about your family.
I think your ending was very strong it gave closure, had a touch of humor and noted what you took from this experience. There were a few added details that could be spared if you were looking to stick directly to the point. Like saying we got right in to see the doctor. Rather than mentioning that you had been there before and that it was typically quick. I really thought your story was engaging and well developed.
Wow! That is a story for sure! It's funny how the things we tell kids suddenly take on new meaning in those situations. I thought you ended your piece very well. You asked for feedback with "getting to the point", I would suggest skipping the pieces about what a typical "date" looked like, since the important part was what that particular day's events were. Does your son remember this? It would be interesting to incorporate his memories into your story as well!
Your story was a good story. I would try to hook the reader in the first two sentences. You might try leaving off the date explanation and go right into him getting hurt. Keep up your writing and you will get there. I have the same problem about getting to the point.
Ooooh, I don't like broken things on the body!! It makes my stomach churn!! I thought you did a really nice job and included a good back story. I think that one critique to help you "get to the point" might be to cut out unnecessary words such as repeated or just things that you could say more sicinctly.
Debbie,
ReplyDeleteYou hooked me into your writing as soon as you started telling me about your sons and the traditions your family has. I enjoy reading family stories.
I really like how you ended the story by stating what you've learned from the experience. I can relate to this and it makes me smile how our kids really do listen to what we say and then apply it in situations like this!
I wonder if it would be helpful to expand on how your son felt when this happened. How did he feel when you went on the date to Borders? I wonder if his thoughts were gradually going into panic mode or if he just suddenly made the connection between your saying and the situation.
Thank you so much for sharing, I truly enjoyed this story about your family.
Natalya
I think your ending was very strong it gave closure, had a touch of humor and noted what you took from this experience. There were a few added details that could be spared if you were looking to stick directly to the point. Like saying we got right in to see the doctor. Rather than mentioning that you had been there before and that it was typically quick. I really thought your story was engaging and well developed.
ReplyDeleteWow! That is a story for sure! It's funny how the things we tell kids suddenly take on new meaning in those situations. I thought you ended your piece very well. You asked for feedback with "getting to the point", I would suggest skipping the pieces about what a typical "date" looked like, since the important part was what that particular day's events were. Does your son remember this? It would be interesting to incorporate his memories into your story as well!
ReplyDeleteYour story was a good story. I would try to hook the reader in the first two sentences. You might try leaving off the date explanation and go right into him getting hurt. Keep up your writing and you will get there. I have the same problem about getting to the point.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, I don't like broken things on the body!! It makes my stomach churn!! I thought you did a really nice job and included a good back story. I think that one critique to help you "get to the point" might be to cut out unnecessary words such as repeated or just things that you could say more sicinctly.
ReplyDelete